Submissive Checklist and Negotiations

Submissive BDSM Play Partner Checklist

by Tammad Ramilia

This questionnaire should be filled out by a Sub and provided to their Dom/Top before playing with them. This will provide a quick "head-start" to identifying limits, negotiating and finding common ground for play.

For each item, you need to provide two answers:

First write YES or NO next to each item to indicate if you have ever DONE that activity.

Mark N/A if it does not apply to your gender.

Next, indicate for each item how you FEEL about that activity by rating it on a scale of NO or 0 to 5.

NO means you will NOT do that item under any circumstances (a hard limit).

0 (zero) indicates you have utterly no desire to do that activity and don't like doing it (in fact, may loath it) and would ordinarily object to doing it, but you would be willing to do it to please the Dominant if it they really wanted it. (sometimes called a "soft limit").

1 means you don't want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn't object if it was asked of you.

2 means you are willing to do this activity, but it has no special appeal for you.

3 means you usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular/ occasional basis.

4 means you like doing this activity, and would like to experience it on a regular basis.

5 means the activity is a wild turn-on for you, and you would like it as often as possible.

Mark with an asterisk (*) those items which you are willing to do only with you current sex partner(s), but not with casual play-partners.

Note any additional information which might be important for your Dom to know.

There is intentionally some overlap between categories. Unless otherwise stated, the Sub is the recipient of the activity.

Experience yes/no, Willingness, NO or 0-5

Submissive Checklist

Activity Y/N NO or 0-5 Regular Partner Only?
Abrasion

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Age play

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Anal sex

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Anal plugs (small)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Anal plugs (large)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Anal plug (public, under clothes)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Animal roles

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Asphyxiation

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Auctioned for charity

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Bathroom use control

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Bestiality

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Beating (soft)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Beating (hard)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Blindfolds

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Being serviced (sexual)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Being bitten

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Breast/chest bondage

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Breath control

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Branding

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Boot worship

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Bondage (light)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Bondage (heavy)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Bondage (multi-day)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Bondage (public, under clothing)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Breast whipping

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Brown showers (scat)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Cages (locked inside of)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Caning

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Catheterization

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Cells/Closets (locked inside of)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Chastity belts

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Chauffeuring

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Clothespins

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Cock worship

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Collars (worn in private)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Collars (worn in public)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Competitions (with other Subs)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Corsets (wearing)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Cuffs (leather)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Cuffs (metal)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Cutting

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Dilation

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Double penetration

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Electricity

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Enemas

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Enforced chastity

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Examinations (physical)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Exercise (forced/required)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Exhibitionism (friends)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Exhibitionism (strangers)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Eye contact restrictions

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Face slapping

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Fantasy abandonment

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Fantasy rape

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Fantasy gang-rape

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Fisting (anal)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Fisting (vaginal)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Following orders

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Foot worship

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Forced Crossdressing

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Forced homosexuality

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Forced masturbation

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Forced nudity (private)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Forced nudity (around others)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Forced servitude

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Full head hoods

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Gags (cloth)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Gags (rubber)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Gags (tape)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Gates of Hell (male)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Genital sex

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Given away to another Dom (temp)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Given away to another Dom (perm)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Golden showers

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Hairbrush spankings

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Hair pulling

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Hand jobs (giving)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Hand jobs (receiving)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Harems (serving w/other subs)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Harnessing (leather)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Harnessing (rope)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Having food chosen for you

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Having clothing chosen for you

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Head (giving fellatio)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Head (receiving fellatio)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

High heel worship

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Homage with tongue (non-sexual)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Hot oils (on genitals)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Hot waxing

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Housework (doing)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Human puppy dog

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Humiliation (private)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Humiliation (public)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Hypnotism

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Ice cubes

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Infantilism

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Initiation rites

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Injections

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Intricate (Japanese) rope bondage

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Interrogations

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Kidnapping

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Kneeling

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Leather clothing

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Leather restraints

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Lectures for misbehavior

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Licking (non-sexual)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Manacles & Irons

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Manicures (giving)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Massage (giving)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Massage (receiving)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Medical scenes

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Modeling for erotic photos

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Mouth bits

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Mummification

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Nipple clamps

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Nipple weights

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Oral/anal play (rimming)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Over-the-knee spanking

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Orgasm denial

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Orgasm control

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Outdoor scenes

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Outdoor sex

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Phone sex (serving Dom)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Phone sex (serving Dom's friends)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Piercing (temporary, play-pierce)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Piercing (temporary, play-pierce)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Piercing (permanent)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Prison scenes

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Pony slave

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Public exposure

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Pussy/cock whipping

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Pussy worship

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Riding crops

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Riding the "horse" (crotch tort.)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Rituals

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Religious scenes

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Restrictive rules on behavior

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Rubber/latex clothing

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Rope body harness

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Saran wrapping

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Scratching - getting

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Scratching - giving

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Sensory deprivation

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Serving

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Serving as art

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Serving as ashtray

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Serving as furniture

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Serving as a maid

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Serving as toilet

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Serving as waitress/waiter

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Serving orally (sexual)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Serving other doms (supervised)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Serving other doms (unsupervised)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Sexual deprivation (short term)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Sexual deprivation (long term)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Shaving (body hair)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Shaving (head hair)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Sleep deprivation

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Sleepsacks

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Slutty clothing (private)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Slutty clothing (public)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Spanking

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Spandex clothing

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Speech restrictions (when, what)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Speculums (Anal)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Speculums (vaginal)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Spreader bars

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Standing in corner

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Stocks

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Straight jackets

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Strap-on-dildos (sucking on)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Strap-on-dildos (penetrated by)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Strap-on-dildos (wearing)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Strapping (full body beating)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Suspension (upright)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Suspension (inverted)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Suspension (horizontal)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Supplying new partners for Dom

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Swallowing semen

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Swallowing urine

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Swapping (with one other couple)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Swinging (multiple couples)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Tattooing

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Teasing

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Tickling

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Triple penetration

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Uniforms

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Including others

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Vaginal dildo

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Verbal humiliation

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Vibrator on genitals

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Voyeurism (watching others)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Voyeurism (your Dom w/others)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Video (watching others)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Video (recordings of you)

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Water torture

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Wearing symbolic jewelry

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Whipping

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Wooden paddles

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

Wrestling

Yes/No NO 0 1 2 3 4 5

Yes/No/Will Discuss

This list is from the BDSM Resource Page. There are other lists, one in Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns is the one Domina likes. But a list is not a bad place to start your negotiation from.

Domina's Suggestions on Pre-Play Negotiation

Negotiation is working out a preplay or a contractual agreement. Here, we're concerned with preplay negotiations. The point of negotiations is to ensure that both the dominant and the submissive enjoy the scene. Contrary to public belief, having the submissive enjoy the scene IS part of the fun.

The list printed above is a good place to start negotiations. It gives you a point to begin discussions of the activities you have in common. A submissive should never be in subspace or submissive headspace during negotiations. He/she should ALWAYS negotiate as an equal. Any dominant who insists on dominating a negotiation conversation should be viewed with suspicion. A submissive has the right to set his/her own limits. A dominant may push those limits, once they are set, and may attempt to convince a submissive to try something that they are not adamantly opposed to, but they should NOT try to force a submissive into any act that the submissive finds totally repugnant. And they should never attempt any form of coercive behavior or DOMMING in a negotiation. During negotiation, both parties are equal. If the dominant and submissive expect to have only

one scene, then a short negotiation period should be enough. Most people are not going to do a lot of limit pushing in a one time scene. For a longer relationship, it is important to do a lot of negotiation. Fantasies, fears, and previous experiences all need to be explored. However, this is going to be an ongoing process for a long term relationship. You don't have to do it all in one night.

It is important to know as much about your submissive's limits, health concerns, and experiences as you can prior to playing with him/her. Health concerns are often overlooked when a couple are playing. However, if your dom or sub is epileptic, diabetic, or has heart problems, you NEED to know these things. Emergency room visits should be avoided unless you have a serious medical kink. The dominant needs to share their health concerns, too. Imagine being in bondage, and having your dominant keel over with a heart attack. I made leather velcro cuffs for a friend for specifically that reason. He had a heart attack. If anything happens in future, his sub has a chance to get out of the bondage and get help. Inescapable bondage is fun, but remember the risks.

Dominants need to share THEIR kinks with the submissive, too. If a dominant NEEDS to hurt someone (sadist) and the submissive in question is NOT a masochist and can't deal with pain play at all, then the likelihood of establishing a lasting relationship just became more remote. If the submissive is strongly into blood sports, and the dominant is squicked by needles, that doesn't bode well for the relationship, either. Remember, at negotiation, you are both equal. After the negotiation, the play is similar to the submissive choosing the restaurant, and the dominant making the menu choices.