Submissive Bill of Rights

by Screamer

Rights, as a Submissive....

I have the right to set limits, and expect them to be respected.  I have the right to adjust these limits at any time, with notice to you.  I have the right to expect you to push them, to force me to create new limits and boundaries.

I have the right to privacy.  I expect you to be concerned about time we spend apart, but I expect you to understand that I am a person, seperate from you, and thusly having problems and situations in my life that I will not need your help with.  I have the right to expect you will respect me for my independence and not criticize me for it.   I have the  right to ask you for help, should I need it.  I have the right to be trusted, providing I have earned it, and I have the right to expect you to believe I am an intelligent, caring and loyal person.

I have the right to ask things of you, and have you listen to my requests.  I have the right to ask  for your attention,
without having to misbehave to get it.  I have the right to ask you to contribute as much to this relationship as I do.   As long as my requests are submitted respectfully, I expect you to consider them as you would from any friend or colleague.   I have the right to question your motives, should you deny my requests, as long as I do so with the proper respect.

I have the right to expect you to administer your punishment with care and caution.   I have the right to use my safewords at any point, should I feel them necessary.   I have the right to get up and walk away from a scene if you have crossed the line.   I have the right to expect you to respect my desicions, and not think less of me, or abandon me for them. 

I have the right to speak up if I feel our relationship is not giving me what I need.  I have the right to tell you what  I need, in a respectful manner.  I have the right to expect you to understand my reasons for doing so, and the right to expect you to listen with an open mind.  I have the right to walk away from the relationship if we cannot come to a common ground on these issues.  

I have the right to expect tenderness, love and understanding after a scene is completed, should it be what I desire.  I  have the right to ask you for that tenderness if I've had a bad day, or if I just feel the need for closeness.  I understand that there will be times when you and I will disagree about this - when you will want a scene, and I will not.  I have the right to call for a talk about this,and to expect you to listen to and consider my reasonings.  I expect   you to have the final word, but I expect you to wholeheartedly consider my feelings, whatever they may happen to be.

I have the right to expect our relationship to progress, for trust to continually be renewed, for oursouls to be as close as our bodies are.  I have the right to tell you if I need more from you, and I expect you to respect my decisions about what I want and need.  I expect you to want the relationship to progress, unless decided otherwise before hand.  I expect  you to understand that deep trust often breeds love, and I expect you not to repell me if I tell you that I love you.  For,my master, I will love you, should our relationship move ahead, should our trust continue to grow. I have the right to expect you to tell me, at any point, if you do not feel you can return those feelings, so that I may decide what I want and need.  For it is your pleasure that adds to my own, makes it real.  And mine, that adds to yours.

These rights were written by screamer.. a sub in #!!!!sub^fems channel...

What Happens at a Private Party

What happens at a private play party? What do people wear? What do they do? In your community, it may be different, but here is a typical play party in the Domina's D/s circle.

Firstly, remember that these parties are invitational only. The participants are going to be people who know and like each other, or they are going to be people who KNOW someone who is invited. Private parties are not going to be open to the public. You can only get into a private party by knowing someone personally who will vouch for your behavior.

The party I'm describing happened at a private house in the Bay Area. All the names except for Domina and Feynman have been changed to protect the particpants.

Domina and Feynman arrived at about 9:00 pm. The party had been going on for about two hours by this time. About two dozen or maybe thirty people were scattered throughout the rather large house when they arrived. Most were gathered in the living room, or on the deck. This being California, the deck was set aside as the smoking area.

The owner of this house has a regular party here once a month. He is a dom, and his house has a dedicated room for D/s purposes with a sling, several removable and varied chain and horse set ups, and a gurney. There are several items of portable D/s furniture set up in other rooms that are typically living area, just for the party. A nice buffet is set up in one corner of the great room. Coffee and soft drinks are available. Alcohol and drugs are not allowed. This is typical of the D/s community. Drinking, drugs, and D/s do not mix. Toy bags are in evidence: this party is for playing publicly, showing off how submissive your submissive is, and showing off your newest toys. Some people will play, some will watch, and some will just socialize. But the point is that you are meeting with others who share your lifestyle.

Once inside, Domina puts a collar, cuffs, and connecting chains on Feynman. And adds a couple of small, decorative floggers to her belt. At this party, (as is typical) the male dom/female sub couples are the majority. There is one other female dominant/male submissive couple, and a couple of male submissives on their own. you want details. Lets start with fashion. Domina has on a short silk tunic, silver spike heels, and black satin gloves (she's into dramatic looks.). Feynman is in black, with silver chains. The other female dominat is wearing a long, full, gypsy dress with a velvet vest. Her submissive is naked and chained. The male dominants are in everything from black leather to suits, to denim, and the female submissives range from naked to leather dresses, to lingerie. The singles are typically in casual dress. Fetish wear, usually leather, is big at parties, but not everyone wears it. Some dommes like their submissives to be naked and chained, some like them in lingerie, and some have them undress only when playing. It's an eclectic mix. It is NEVER, by the way, conclusive that people without collars are dom(me) and people with collars are subs. I admit that the rule tends to be that an owned submissive wears a collar on most occasions when it would not interfere with their public life, but this rule is not always followed. On the other hand, some dominants, (usually female), LIKE collars for their decorative aspect and wear them. And unowned subs may or may not have collars on. Confused? Well, this is a group of mostly middle aged individualists. The dom(me)s tend to wear what they feel comfortable or sexy in, and the collared subs wear what the dominants TELL them to wear. Unowned submissives wear whatever THEY want to wear.

Okay, so, what goes on.........well, here's a run down of what we did and saw. The party might be a bit different from someone else's perspective, but then again, it might not.

We started by peeking in the doorways at the scenes in progress. There were three rooms opened for scenes; the official dungeon, a room opening into the great room, and one bedroom. Nothing exceptionally unusual was happening in any of the rooms, and since I like to start by socializing, we circulated around the great room, chatting with the people we knew well, and sampling the buffet. I sent Feynman around to get me coffee and snacks and the rest of the time, he stayed right with me. Possibly because I keep him on a leash at functions like this. I was introduced to a male dominant that I hadn't previously met, and we were discussing toys. I sent Feynman to get my toy bag, since this gentleman had never used one or two items that I happened to have with me. We did some toy comparisons and then he borrowed a couple of my things and we moved to the room opening off the great room so he could try them out on his submissive. Feynman and I watched them play, and then we moved back into the main room, chatted and snacked a bit more, wandered through and watched a flogging scene in the bedroom, and then settled in and watched a scene in the dungeon. I had had Feynman bring my toy bag to the dungeon so that we could use it when the couple we were watching finished. (By the way, despite the nudity, most of the play is not what vanilla people would consider to be overtly sexual. Public play is usually done with paddles, floggers, canes, etc., and mostly is SM. Some sexual play does go on, but most serious sexual play is done behind closed doors. EROTIC play is something else entirely. A lot of couples mix kissing, stroking, and fondling with pain play and it can be very sensual. I like public play because I don't have a real dungeon of my own, and at a party, I can use equipment that I don't have, and I can also engage in bondage that I can't do at home because of one problem endemic to female dominant/male submissive couples-he's BIGGER than I am. There are some forms of bondage that involve putting the submissive into positions and conditions that mean that you need help moving them. If you want to do that, and your submissive is larger than you, you are likely to have some problems. a party, you can get help to position your sub. I only do mummification at play parties because Feynman is a very tall man, even if he isn't fat. And I just can't maneuver someone his size around single handed.)

The couple we were watching finished their play, and we set up the room to suit us. I placed Feynman in standing bondage (with his help since I couldn't reach the placement points necessary without a step stool) and then we did our scene. (My particular interest is floggers.) As with all parties, the host checked into our scene once or twice to make sure that all activities were being done safely. This is typical of a proper play party. Public parties and larger private ones will have "dungeon masters" to rule on the safety of play and to make sure all safety rules are complied with. Smaller parties, the host usually takes care of that chore. Several people dropped by to watch portions of it, but we weren't doing anything that required exceptional skill, so our scene was rather a bland one. We didn't get that much attention.

While we are on the subject, I'd like to mention a few things about scene etiquette.

It is very rude to interrupt a scene in any way unless the submissive is using a safeword, and the dominant is ignoring this. (or unless you need to inform the participants that the house is on fire.) In that case, you should stop what is going on. In ANY other case, no matter how dangerous you think the play is, how much the scene upsets you, or whatever, you NEVER interrupt the scene. You go to the host or dungeon master and voice your complaints QUIETLY to HIM and let HIM handle it. Very often, members of our community play in a way that may be unacceptable to other members. This does not mean that it is wrong, evil, out of line, dangerous, or whatever, despite what you may personally think. If the scene looks dangerous to you, and the dungeon master does not feel that it should be stopped, LEAVE THE AREA, quietly and go watch something else that won't upset you. There are certain scenes that I think are dangerous and would not be involved in, but I have no right to make choices for others. Neither do you.

Talking loudly near a scene space, or talking TO somene involved in a scene is totally out of line. Don't make audible comments or interrupt people involved in a scene. Don't borrow toys from someone while they are in a scene. This is VERY rude.

Never join in a scene unless the top invites you into the scene. And don't get too close to the activity. People who start crowding me in scene space may get whacked with whatever I'm using on Feynman-and the rest of the onlookers will prevent that person from retaliating. This is pretty standard in most venues. If you want to watch, stay out of play range. This applies to both public and private play spaces.

Never touch a submissive that doesn't belong to you unless you are unmistakably invited to do so. This is a BIG no, no. Submissives belong to ONE dominant, not everyone. They are NOT community property. Touching a submissive of either sex gratuitiously will make you persona non grata, in all venues. And trust me, most submissives, male or female, can take care of themselves. (This also applies to dominants. Male submissives, contrary to public belief are not wimps. If you physically annoy a female dominant, chances are, the closest male submissives will rush to defend her and you'll get VERY hurt. People involved in D/s tend to be very chivalrous and protective of each other no matter the sex or orientation.)

Now, getting back to the party..........after we played, Feynman resumed his attire, and we straightened up the room for the next use. This is very important. Wherever you play, clean up after yourself. I sprayed all the toys we used with disinfectant, and Feynman put them away. Anything in my toy bag that gets used, gets cleaned after use. I don't do play that breaks the skin, but I'm a firm believer in cleaning things. (I usually help the Feynman clean up when we play publicly, because he's usually a bit spacey after a scene and I like to have him keep that feeling as long as possible. At home, clean up can wait till later, but in a party situation, usually people are waiting to use the room. Some dominants insist that the submissive do all the clean up. This is a relationship question, IMHO. Whatever works for you.) We watched the start of the next scene, and then wandered back to the buffet and nibbled a bit. We joined in a conversation in the main room for awhile, then picked up our stuff and went home. This is a pretty typical private party.


Public Play Parties

What happens at a public play party? What is the playspace like? What do people wear? What do they do?

Here is the description of a play party held at a public space for the members of an on line service.

In the bay area, there is a Bed and Bondage that is often rented out for public play parties. One evening in November, a group of people descended on this household for a party. The dungeon is the entire basement of a two story house. Lots of nice equipment from chains to slings to hanging platforms, to spanking horses, to gurnies are in this room. San Francisco is reasonably tolerant of public D/s spaces, unlike some other cities. This particular space is unusual in that the dungeon is just one large room. Most public spaces have more than one area for play. This venue, however, is better lighted and just plain better designed than most of the other public play spaces in town.

We paid our admission, and then wandered around exploring since this was the first time we'd been to this playspace. There was a bondage demo (a lesson on how to safely do rope bondage) going on in the dungeon, and we watched that. It was extremely interesting, and the participants were very good at bringing out the dangers and proper techniques. There was a lingerie boutique, and Domina visited that and tried on quite a few things.....but fortunately for Feynman, didn't buy anything.

After spending some time chatting with various people and snacking in the kitchen, we again gravitated toward the dungeon. A local author of SM how to books was autographing books on the main floor. And there was also a boutique. After inspecting these items, we entered the dungeon which now was open for public play. Several scenes were going on, some of which demonstrated a lot of skill. We watched several of these. Once the crowd thinned out, we did a scene of our own. Unfortunately, we had to cross the bay bridge to get home, and that was going to be closing at midnight, so we had to leave early. However, we did meet some new people, and renewed ties with old friends.

Public parties are very similar to private parties except for the people being less likely to be close friends. The same sort of outfits are evident.......maybe more leather in a public party since people are a bit more into impressing than they would be among close friends. Public parties will have posted rules, and not all private parties will. Many cities do not have clubs where public parties can take place. Unfortunately, it will depend on the city, the local laws, the openness of the local alternative communities, etc. The Bay Area is rather tolerant of alternative sexual styles, while Singapore*, might not be. So, there may not be places where you can play publicly in Singapore. (anyone wanting to give me the scoop, please send email. I've never been to Singapore.) There are public play spaces in New York, Chicago, Los Angeles and Atlanta, to name a few. You may just have to look.

(I used to use Nashville as an example since I was born in Tennessee, though not near Nashville.  Someone rather snottily informed me that Nashville has lots of public play space.  I'm now afraid to use American cities I've not been to as examples.)

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