the opposite. If someone
calls him/herself a submissive, asking him/her to dominate you is pretty
much a lost cause. Their
nature is being submissive. Not
in domination. It’s not
interchangeable for most people.
If someone can
go either way, they will refer to themselves as a switch.
A switch may be a gender switch, which means that they are
submissive to one gender and dominate the other.
They may be a situational switch, which means that in some
situations they are dominant and some submissive, or it may all depend on
how they perceive their partner. It
also may depend on their mood at any particular time.
Switches are NOT people who can’t make up their mind.
They are people who can enjoy either side of the Power Exchange and
that’s a good place to be. But
switches are not the most common players.
Most people are either dominant or submissive.
So back to that.
Men who address
submissive women with “yo, bitch, on your knees.”
Are demonstrating total cluelessness.
Just because a woman is submissive does NOT mean she’s submissive
to you. If you reply to a
submissive woman’s ad with some sort of “Write to me on your knees,
NOW bitch.” You have made
it clear that you not only know nothing of real world BDSM, but that you
are unlikely to have any respect for her as a submissive.
and women are some of the strongest people on earth because they can give
their entire will to the person of their choice.
The key phrase here, however is Person Of Their Choice.
They have not yet decided to submit to you.
Since you don’t yet know them, your assumption that they are
submitting to you is totally premature.
So please, when you write to them, write a nice, friendly letter
letting them know what YOU are looking for and expect and open a dialog.
If it’s right for both of you, you will definitely reap the
rewards of taking your time. And
another clue for male dominants: Don’t
send her a photo of your penis or your naked headless body.
This has come up on newsgroups often enough to be a clear no no.
are more likely to be accepting of rudeness from dominants.
There are a lot more submissive men than there are dominant women.
This does not mean, however, that it’s okay to be rude, obnoxious
and demanding of submissive men. If
you see a submissive man’s ad that you like, then write to him and tell
him what you liked, what you are looking for, and say you’d like to meet
for lunch/coffee. Don’t
demand he accept a collar today. Don’t
tell him that all your male slaves have to do XYZ.
Treat him like a human being.
Truly submissive men are to be treasured above rubies.
Most who call themselves submissive are just looking for kinky sex.
are another kettle of fish all together.
Calling her Mistress before she accepts your submission is seen as
presumptuous. Mistress is a
term implying obligation and relationship.
So when you write to her, call her by her name, call her ma’am,
but avoid using Mistress as a term to address her by.
Don’t send her photos of your privates.
Like submissive women, that is not the most important thing that
she is looking for. Do READ
her ad. A lot of dominant
women do not have sex with submissive men.
Don’t expect her to be into “casual sex” or “sensual
servitude.” Don’t tell
her how good you are at oral. Don’t
tell her that you want to be her toilet (trust me on this…this
information is better saved until after you meet her.), want to be
castrated, or want her initials tattooed on your whatsis.
Take time to get to know her.
Write to her about what attracted you in her ad, what you expect in
a relationship (not too graphic, okay?) and what you are looking for long
term. Suggest lunch or coffee
in a public place. Be
interesting. One liners, “I
want to be your slave” don’t tell her anything she wants to know about
you. If you didn’t want to
submit to her, you wouldn’t have answered her ad.
So give her information, don’t waste her time.
may be the most complex category to deal with because female domination is
often very different from the Variations Magazine stories.
Many female dominants are into service and don’t have sex with
submissives. Many will only
have sex with submissives in an ongoing relationship after a long, trial
period. Many female dominants
are not into service, but are into SM only.
Many are into service, and not into SM.
You cannot treat these ladies as being interchangeable.
Be very careful to read their ads.
Be sure that what they are looking for is the same as what you are
looking for. One other thing.
Dominant women network. They
talk a LOT and if you are rude, obnoxious, and behave badly, you’ll find
that your nickname makes the rounds and you will get more turn downs.
Be careful what you say.
dominant men is fairly easy. Follow
the same procedure. Tell him
what attracted you. Tell him
what you are looking for. I’d
avoid sending naked photos here, too, because you want him to see you as a
person, not a “fucktoy” even if that is the major turn on for you
both. Keep it friendly, but
reserve calling him Master for when you know there is something there.
One of the worst parts of the internet are “Velcro collars”
which are the people who give and accept collars without them meaning
anything, and where they can last only days or even hours.
You want to be taken seriously, so maintain a bit of dignity.
One final word:
If you are turned down by the person you wrote to, don’t continue
to send them whiny, threatening, rude or obnoxious emails.
If you mistake someone’s interest in BDSM for sex, and he/she
writes you a “get lost” note, accept it.
Don’t write back with justification.
Don’t call him/her names. Go
on to the next. You are not
going to change anyone’s mind, and you are just ruining your chances for
any of his/her friends.