Some Rules of the Game For Dominants3>
Be patient! Until you enter into a contract with a submissive, you have no more
right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your bottom time to get to
know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of
dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and
awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated
in the playroom.
Be humble. You may be God's/Goddess' gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or
wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are - and
plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the
"real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for a
failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.
Be open. Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in SM, you can
always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from
other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to
approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be
aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
Communicate! You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the
people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health
information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about
your head-space and your view of SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can
be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits, and
contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground
Be honest. If you lack experience in an area that your bottom would like to experiment
with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with
yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely
in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking
priority over how hot a particular scene is.
Be sensitive. There's a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominant and a
self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative
synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your bottom's needs and fantasies.
Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening
is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of
your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her
submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.
Be realistic. End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less.
Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity
of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what
works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in
themselves, but don't try to imitate them to the last detail.
Be really dominant! Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and
mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images
from cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole
existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life - it is
you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give
him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish
appropriately when it is called for. Don't shirk your responsibility to your bottom
or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have
agreed to take the dominant role - now take it!
Be healthy! Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top
physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your
eating habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and
endurance during a scene. Don't attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional
energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of
yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of "drugs and alcohol don't affect me
that much... I can do it anyway" violates your Submissives trust in you and can
be dangerous. If you don't want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn't be
playing the game!
Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are
entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM
Some Rules For Submissives
Be patient! A potential top will let you know if she or he is
interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve
and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your
fantasies. Don't expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The
timing must be right for both of you.
Be humble. You may be God's or Goddess' gift to the world and the most sought after prize
in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample
opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the "real
you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for failure by
developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.
Be open. You can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene,
no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive
they are. SM is a very personal art, and an "I already know it all"
attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore
potentially valuable SM friends.
Communicate! Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the
appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as
experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But - unless it's an
emergency - wait until your top asks. Don't expect your dominant to be a mind-reader
who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance
the scene for both of you.
Be honest. Don't be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it.
Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good
scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will
base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be
Be vulnerable. Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of
your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and
psychological stimulation, then con>tract with your top ahead of time. But don't
always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you've written in your head.
It's far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to
places you're never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her or him know
it, and let him or her guide you into new fantasies.
Be realistic. Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments
of awkwardness and indecision. Don't call attention to what you perceive as a lapse.
Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and
magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout
of equipment. Your top's equipment is expensive - respect it and don't abuse it.
Be really submissive! This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely.
Don't coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your
special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on
running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a top. You
have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect
and obey your top and expect punishment if you don't. Accept it gracefully and
cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what
turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.
Be healthy! SM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants - both active
and passive - be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your
eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your
response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your
physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an
"I want it all now" attitude when you aren't able to give your all will
leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself best by
Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are
entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative SM