I am very often asked by novice what they need to do to find a Dominant. My first response to them is always: Be Patient. You will find that in the scene the ratio of submissives to Dominants is greater than 3:1. But not all of those submissives are "good" submissives - ones that a Dominant would be interested in spending his or her time with. Your job is to make yourself stand out from the crowd.

This is the first point where patience comes into play. Although you certainly have to approve of your Dom, you need them to approve of you, and want to play with you. This won't happen if you pester the Dom, or make comments like, "I've been on the Net for a week! Come on!" A Dominant is a Dominant _person_ and you should treat them with respect and courtesy. Just because they are a Dominant, they are under no obligation to use their talents in the Dominant arts on you.

Some submissives look for years to find a Dominant with whom they can have satisfying play. It's much the same as trying to find a compatible boyfriend or girlfriend, but with the added criterion that the person must be scene-compatible with you as well. Take your time and be a little choosy. You will be much more likely to have good scenes with someone that you are truly compatible and feel comfortable with, then you would be with the first Dom to come along.

Impatient and pushy submissives don't get very far with Dominants. We may like brats, but we don't like jerks. If you push too hard we will simply step to the side and watch you fall on your face. The good Dominants also talk to each other. Word will get around if a submissive has a bad reputation; word will also get around if a submissive has a good reputation. Dominants will also occasionally ask each other for recommendations on a particular submissive. If you have been a jerk with one Dominant, it will make it harder for you to be accepted by other Dominants.

Being patient doesn't mean being a piece of furniture, though. If you have an interest in a Dominant, try to get to know them. If you see them in IRC, say hello to them and try to engage them in conversation. Don't just sit there saying nothing and waiting for them to talk to you, most likely they won't. Try to find out what title they prefer (Mistress, Lady, Master, Sir, etc.) and use it. Read their posts well and try to get a feel for the aspects of the scene that appeal to them. These are good things to try to engage them in conversation on. Don't immediately send them a chat/talk request. If after getting to know a Dominant, you would like to speak privately with them, a polite message of, "Would you like to chat privately?", is more likely to get you an acceptance. If they say "no", don't whine about it. We do not pay our access to the Net just to be available whenever someone wants to hot chat. Telling a Dominant how horny you are will usually only get you laughed at. On BBS's, if you see a Dominant that you are interested in log-on, you may page/message a polite hello, but don't keep paging them, especially if they are in e- mail. Finally, don't ask a Mistress what she is wearing. We are so sick of hearing it, that it has become a joke!

Often I am asked in IRC, via message, to accept someone I just met as my submissive. If that person has a true interest in being my submissive, then they can take the time to write me a request for submission. Some Dominants have a form or questionnaire that they give to potential submissives, but a sincere letter will usually suffice. It should describe your interests and desires in at least some detail ("I like submission" doesn't cut it), describe your experience in the scene, and tell why you are interested in the Dominant that you are writing to. Spelling and grammar do count. There are two common mistakes here. First, writing to a Dominant who is not interested in what you are. Check their posts if in doubt. Second, sending a request for submission to every Dominant in the Western world. As I said before, we talk to one another. Be patient and wait to find one Dominant whom you think would be a good play partner and then write them a sincere letter. Be patient on a response too. Some Dominants don't bother to answer unsolicited petitions, but even those that do get a lot of mail.

Don't become discouraged. While you are being patient waiting for the right Dominant to come along learn about the scene and socialize in it if possible. Read the newsgroups and FAQ's for information. If you have questions, post them. If nothing else, it will get you mail. Read scene related books and magazines, not just to look at the pictures. Go to scene events, such as the various Fantasy Nights or NLA meetings. By going to these events you have the opportunity to meet more people in the scene, or to meet someone in your area that you have talked to on-line. People that you meet can provide good referrals and introductions to Dominants.

And remember, the best things are always worth waiting for.

Very truly yours,
Ms. Margo

The actual answer to the question is:
It's not easy and you may never find one.

That said, what is it that increases or decreases someone's chances of finding a Dominant? There are many different factors, and they vary depending on the Dominant woman, but I'll cover some of the basics. Keep in mind that some submissives actively look for many years before finding a Dom with whom they are compatible. You must be willing to be persistent and patient if you really want to succeed.

*** Numbers ***

Whether it's 1:3 or 1:100, most people agree that there are simply more submissives than there are Dominant women. These numbers work against you if you're a submissive, because the competition is strong for the attentions of those Dominant women who are out there. It's just like looking for a job. There may be several hundred people sending in their resumes, and you need yours to stand out from the crowd. Think about ways that you could make yourself attractive and interesting to a Dominant woman. If you have no idea how, that's a sign that you need to get some good books and read and learn, or spend more time in a.s.femdom {NOTE FROM DOMINA:  Try Fetlife.  Alt Sex Femdom is nothing but porn these days.  http://www.fetlife.com}reading what Dominant women say, and what they say they want. Ask questions if you're unsure of something. Posting is also a good way to let other people see what you're like and become familiar with you. If a Dom is looking for a new submissive, do you think she'll choose a complete stranger or someone she already knows? Also, look at ads and postings from other submissives. Think about what is good or bad in each. Try not to make the same mistakes.

Put as much effort into your contacts with Dominant women as you would into a terrific resume. If you're writing letters, spend some time on them; rewrite them a few times. Check your spelling and grammar. Ask yourself, "If I got this would I pay any attention to it?" If not, go back and do it again. Unless you're a professional writer, the first thing that you write is usually not going to be very good. Put some time and effort into it. I often get two line e-mails that say something like, "I am a submissive and I live in Some City. I like blah, blah, blah." Big deal! If the person can't put more effort into it than that, I feel that they couldn't have wanted my attention that badly - next candidate! You don't need to write a book but you should try to write a half-page to a page about yourself and what your interests are.

If you're calling a Dom, sit down and write out a short list of what you want to say to her. Nothing is more boring than sitting on the phone with someone who doesn't say anything more than, "Yes, Mistress." and "Uh". If you are casually meeting a Dom in person, be polite, introduce yourself, make some small talk, and then go away. Do not give her your complete resume, "My name is Joe, I'm 34 years old, I'm a submissive, I like blah, blah, blah, blah, will you play with me?" You'll stand out - as a first class jerk.

*** Area ***

Dominant women tend to be free-thinking people. As such, they also tend to gravitate toward large cities and urban areas. If you're in a rural area your chances of finding a Dominant woman near you are much smaller. This leaves you with a few options. You can be very patient and try to find someone near you (I'm talking *years* of patience here), you can be willing to travel to a larger city to meet a Dom, you can be willing to pay or compensate a Dom to come to visit you, or you can move. New York City, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and London will have the highest number of visible Dominants per capita, so those are your best choices. Other large cities are also good. Cities like Washington, DC may be good or bad, since they are large, but discretion is so important there. Large cities in the Southern US can also be problematic for the same reasons.  {NOTE FROM DOMINA:  Most large cities now have BDSM groups that meet there.  You can easily find these groups on Google.  Try looking up the city name and the term "munch."}

If you're in an urban area, or near one, find out where the BDSM people meet. There are often nightclubs that are BDSM oriented, or have special fetish nights. Most large cities have BDSM social, support and/or instructional organizations, such as The National Leather Association (NLA), People Exchanging Power (PEP), The Black Rose, or The Eulenspeigal Society (TES). Check the alt.sex.femdom FAQ and the alt.sex.bondage FAQ for addresses. Many BDSM publications also have very good listings of these groups. If you can find an issue of "S&M Utopia Guardian" they have very good listings, as does "Prometheus", published by The Eulenspeigal Society. Go to these groups not only to socialize, but also to learn. If you improve your knowledge and skills, you also improve your chances of standing out from the crowd. Don't go expecting to meet a Dominant woman and take her home - it won't happen.

If you're in a rural area, or can't join an organization, another place to look is on local adult bulletin boards. There are literally thousands of adult BBS's around the country. If you don't know of any in your area, check out the alt.bbs.* newsgroups, or pick up a copy of a BBS oriented magazine like "Boardwatch" or "BBS". The larger adult BBS's usually have advertisements in the back. Since people on a local BBS will tend to be local people, you increase your chances of finding someone in your area. Some BBS's also sponsor social get-togethers where you can meet the people that you chat with on-line. (This is a great idea since, unfortunately, many people on-line are not exactly as they would have you believe.) You can also try getting a copy of one of the many BDSM or domination personal ads magazines or newspapers, but be careful about answering ads that sound too good to be true - they usually are. Jay Wiseman's book SM101 has an excellent section about personal ads, and it's recommended reading if you're thinking about placing or answering a personal ad.  {NOTE FROM DOMINA:  These days, a huge number of people are using Fetlife to chat.  While it's not designed for personal ads, you can make contact with people local to you there.  Most of these magazines and BBS are gone, now.}

*** Professionals ***

The reality is that it doesn't take a novice Dominant woman long to realize that she's in demand, and that she can make money as a result of that demand. Many good (and sometimes bad) Dominants become professionals. If you're looking for a professional, or you're looking for an occasional session and you don't mind paying, then you're in luck! All you need to do to find a Dominant is to pick up a copy of Domination Directory International (DDI), your local underground newspaper, or almost any BDSM magazine at your local adult bookstore and call or write the woman of your choice. Sessions cost between $100 and $300 US depending on the area and the skill or fame of the woman. Be sure to work out the financial and other details before the session.  {NOTE FROM DOMINA:  DDI is only published sporadically these days, if at all.  Your best bet for finding a professional would be Max Fisch online.}

If you're not looking for a professional, then your chances just got worse. Because a knowledgeable, experienced, or attractive Dominant woman is likely to be drawn toward professional domination, there are fewer talented amateurs left. They are out there, though. You can meet them through organizations, the Net, BBS's, or at social events. Keep in mind, though, you're going to have to look longer and harder to find a compatible amateur Dom than you will a professional.  {NOTE FROM DOMINA:  There are more dominant women today than there ever were in the past.  If you're truly looking for a relationship, then munches are the best place to meet them.  Don't just go once and decide there is no one there for you, make friends with the people (yes, men and women both) there and you never know but what someone might introduce you to the domme of your dreams.}

Some Doms are insulted about being asked if they are professional or not, but most don't mind if you ask discreetly. Myself, I'm proud of my amateur standing, but I'm also complimented if someone thinks I'm good enough to be a professional. If the Lady is a professional and you would like to see her, ask if it's better to call her at a later time to work out the details. This is especially true if you are a social event or a party where she might not feel comfortable discussing business. Most professionals, and some non-professionals, have business cards with their name and address, and sometimes their phone number. If you know that a Lady is a professional and you think you might be interested in seeing her at a later date, ask for her card.

Keep in mind that a professional Dominant is not a prostitute . Do not expect her to have sex with you, or even allow you "manual release", just because you are paying her. You are paying for her time and her skills, just like you would pay your doctor or your dentist. She is also not your girlfriend. If you come to see her often you may develop a friendly relationship with her, or you may not. She likely has lots of other clients and you are just one of them. Remember that no matter how pleasurable it is, it is still a business transaction.

* ** Privacy ***

It's unfortunate, but most people need to keep their interests in female domination private. Most people would prefer that their family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors didn't know about their interests and activities. This is just as true for Doms as it is for subs. Your next door neighbor, the owner of a local store, or the woman at the Post Office counter might be a Dom and you would never know it. This, unfortunately, decreases your chances of finding a Dominant woman. There isn't any special symbol or pin that we wear to let people "in" on our interests. A woman in high heels and black leather may be a Dom, or she may just be fashionable. A woman with handcuffs hanging from her rearview mirror may be into bondage, or they may just be a gag gift from a friend. Don't assume that a woman is a Dominant just because she has one of the "symbols" of domination. On the other hand, don't assume that a woman isn't a Dominant just because she isn't carrying a whip and barking orders.

"So," you ask, "if I don't know if a woman is a Dominant, how do I know if she's a Dominant woman?" It seems like a Catch-22, and it is. You usually can't tell if a woman is Dominant just by looking at her. One of the best ways to tell if a woman is dominant is by her attitude. Most sexually Dominant women are not shy wallflowers (although some are). If you meet an aggressive, assertive woman the chances are better that she has dominant tendencies. Keep in mind, though, that she wants her privacy as much as you do. If you ask someone you don't know very well about intimate parts of their life, chances are that they are either are going to be angry or are not going to tell you the truth. If you make a subtle reference and she doesn't seem interested, don't push.

Dominant women also don't have any sort of Union or network. We don't all know each other; we don't all communicate. Asking a Dominant woman if she knows of anyone looking for a submissive in a town on the other side of the country isn't likely to yield much. First, she's most likely to know Dominant women in her own area. Second, if she's not extremely well acquainted with you she's not going to give out private information about a friend, or even risk embarrassment by referring someone to her friends who might turn out to be a jerk. If you absolutely must ask, then give your own information and ask her if she would be willing to pass it on for you. If you don't hear anything in response, drop the issue.

If you do find a woman who is a Dominant, keep it to yourself. If you violate a Dominants desire for privacy not only will she refuse to see you again, its likely that she'll let everyone she knows hear about your bad behavior. I heard from a fellow Dom about the bad behavior of a submissive that she knew casually. He saw her in a popular dance club and immediately knelt at her feet and began kissing her boots. She was with a "vanilla" boyfriend and a co-worker at the time and was very upset at his actions. She has never forgiven him and neither has anyone else.

*** Looks ***

Dominant women range from ugly to beautiful, just like women in general. If you have your heart set on meeting a tall, beautiful, blond Dominant or a buxom, ravishing, redheaded Goddess your chances just got much smaller. If looks are really that important to your happiness in a scene be prepared to look for a long time, or be willing to pay a professional who has the looks that you want. You'll have better luck finding a Dominant if you concentrate on her personality and skills. Some of the best Dominant women that I know would never win a beauty contest, but their assertive attitude, self assurance, and refined skills are absolutely breathtaking. If she can't, or won't, do the things that are going to satisfy you it doesn't much matter what she looks like . Think of it this way: If you're bound, blindfolded, and in ecstasy, what does it matter what she looks like?

*** Attitude ***

Real Dominant women will not be like the women you see in the magazines. We are not just dying for a chance to Dom you or anyone else. We do not want you to drop to your knees and worship us NOW! (for $3.65 a minute). Actually, we usually couldn't care less about what you demand that we do. If you approach a Dominant woman with a "What can you do for me?" attitude, you're going to be laughed at. Do-Me Queens are selfish, controlling, and annoying. If you're pushy, rude, rash, or overly forward with a Dominant, you will most likely lose the chance to ever play with her. There are hundreds of submissives out there; she doesn't need to waste her time with a jerk. Dominant women are not public utilities. Just because a woman is a Dominant doesn't mean that she's your Dominant, or that she has any interest at all in playing with you. If you're just interested in yourself and what you want, please do us all a favor and go pay a prostitute to play-act with you.

On the opposite hand, if you just sit there like a limp dishrag you'll never get anything. You may think that sitting quietly with your head down shows that you're a true submissive. What it really shows is that you're boring. If you want to meet a Dominant woman, you have to meet her. If you want to attract her attention, you have to attract her attention. Strong and submissive are not opposites. If you are very shy get a friend to introduce you and to hang around to keep the conversation going, or try writing the Lady a letter. You don't have to throw yourself at her feet to attract her attention, but you do at least have to move and talk. If you approach her with the attitude that she probably won't even notice you and if she does you're not good enough to be her submissive, chances are that she won't notice you and that if she does she'll wonder if you're good enough to be her submissive. Act in a way that gives a Dominant confidence in you and your abilities and sincerity. Don't forget to smile!

Along with a good attitude, goes honesty. If you overstate yourself, your looks, your abilities, or your experience, then you are lying to your Dominant. If you tell the Lady that you are 6'2", very attractive, and athletic, when you're really 5'10", average looking, and a couch potato she's certainly going to notice the first time she meets you. The relationship might well end right there. If you're not a corporate executive, don't say so. Being a programmer or working in a bank is honest work - don't be ashamed of what you do. Especially, don't try to make yourself seem more experienced or more knowledgeable in the scene than you really are. It's foolish, dangerous, and disappointing. There is no shame in being a novice.

I saw a submissive at a play party tell a serious Dominant that he liked heavy pain and she took him at his word. They agreed to play and he called safeword after the second stroke. She immediately asked what was wrong and he said, "That hurt!" She reminded him that he had said that he liked pain and his reply was that he didn't realize it would hurt so much in real life! As funny as the story is, no one would play with him again.

*** Timing ***

Sometimes you just have the bad luck to approach a Dominant at a time that she doesn't need or want a new submissive. Some Doms acquire new submissives every few weeks, some only take a new submissive once a decade. If a Dom has made it clear that she isn't looking for a submissive, don't be a fool by offering your immediate services. You may want to send a short letter to let her know that you are looking for a Dominant and would be very happy for her to keep you in mind if she knows of any future openings. A lack of a reply means the same thing as " No". Don't send follow-up letters whining that you haven't gotten an answer from her. Not answered means not interested .

Don't be rude to a Dominant just because she said "No" to you. You should take your "Noes politely and cheerfully and keep in good standing with the Lady. A short note thanking her for her time and consideration and asking that she keep you in mind for the future is a nice touch. (If you're very brave you can even ask the reason that she turned you down, but do this only if you're prepared for an honest answer that could hurt your feelings.) There are many submissives that I've had to say "No" to because the timing wasn't right, but some have stayed in occasional polite contact (polite is the key word here!), and if I ever wanted a new submissive those would be the people I would think of first. If you have the patience to wait until the timing is right, you will increase your chances of finding a Dom.

*** Building Your Own ***

In the true spirit of DIY, many submissives beat the odds of finding a Dominant by making their own. This isn't easy. Your first few projects may fail miserably and you may lose faith, but it is possible - and when it does work its a great solution. What you need is an open-minded woman who has some dominant tendencies. You help her to develop those tendencies and teach her how to be the Dom that you've always wanted. The woman can be your wife, your girlfriend, or a female sex-buddy. Unfortunately, the process takes years of hard work and there are always setbacks.

If you want to undertake to make your own Dom you need to have a long, slow plan in mind. You can't just hit someone with a lot at once - they'll freak out. Start very slowly. Add mild domination play to your normal sex life. Have her playfully spank you for "being bad". Buy her some leather lingerie that flatters her figure. Tell her you want to be her "love slave" and kiss her body all over. Let her know that you've always wanted to try sex "tied up". Keep it light and keep the focus on her. If she's not happy, you won't succeed. Buy her a copy of Lady Green's "The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners". It's very, very friendly and is excellent for a novice Dominant.

Be reassuring. She most likely has been told all her life that this is sick and kinky. Let her know that it's fun. Let her know that this is for her too. Let her know that she's in control and can stop any time she wants. Show her this newsgroup so that she doesn't feel as if she's alone in her interests. If you think that that's too much for her, print out selected postings for her that validate her feelings. Heavy S& M porn or low budget D&S magazines will usually turn a woman off. Think before you expose her to something that may freak her out. Once you've done it, you can't take it back. Keep the lines of communication open. If something seems to be upsetting her, don't just blow it off - honestly talk about it.

Pay attention to those things that seem to interest her the most. Be sure to explore those things that she would like to try, even if they don't appeal to you at first. If someone were asking you to do things that didn't appeal to you, you would quickly lose interest. Exploring together can be thrilling; always fulfilling someone else's demands can be demeaning. Expect that things may go along very well for while and then she may refuse to have anything to do with domination. Guilt and bad feelings are very strong. Don't push. Keep talking honestly and communicating openly. Try to ease any bad feelings, but don't promise what you really can't give. Many submissives promise to give up their interests in domination in order to keep the relationships happy - we all know that it never works for long.

If you are patient (and lucky), you can end up with the Dom of your dreams without having to even leave your own home. Never, ever, underestimate the gem that you now have in your hands. If you do, she will likely take her new-found skills to someone else's hands.

*** What will happen when you finally have a Dominant? ***

What!? Do you expect me to spoil all the fun? Never! :) Now go and play...

********************************************************************
* This file may be freely copied to other systems so long as it remains intact with this message attached. Written by Ms. Margo, July 1995, for alt.sex.femdom.

This will be lesson one.

There are many, many more submissive men than there are Dominant women. I receive 3-5 letters a week from men wanting to be my submissive. What is it about you that would make me want to spend time writing to you, talking to you, or being with you? You have to impress a Dominant with what it is that you are and what it is that you want the very first time that you write to her. "The scene" has so many aspects that no two people are guaranteed to be a good match. A good Dominant knows that. She won't waste time on someone who doesn't appear to be suitable to her. You should, at the very least, have thoroughly read her registry to see what she likes and what she doesn't. When you write to a Dominant, the letter should be well thought out and reasonably lengthily. I know one Dominant woman who sends out a 20 page questionnaire to prospective submissives, but a half page to a page should be enough. Write a letter, set it aside. Come back to it the next day and re-read it. Think about how you would respond if you received that letter. Be careful about its writing. Spelling and grammar *do* count. Be respectful in your letter. I teach my submissives to write lower case "i" and uppercase "You" - as in, "Mistress, i would very much like to be helpful to You." You don't have to do this, but it's a nice touch. Always remember to capitalize their name and title. Try to find out what title a Dominant prefers - ask around - if in doubt use Ms. or Mistress.

Tell a Dominant as much about yourself as you can. Not that you have blond hair and green eyes, but what your experiences have been and what you would like to experience. As a novice, you may not have had many experiences. So tell the Dominant what inhabits your fantasies. If you dream of being securely bound with silk stockings and beaten with a feather duster, say so. If you long to be dressed as a woman and taken shopping at the K-Mart, let her know. If when you were 7 you loved to be tied up playing Cowboys and Indians, then tell the story. Telling someone that you are a "submissive" tells them nothing. You wouldn't be writing to a Dominant woman if you weren't. Think for a moment about what appeals to you - a favorite story, a beloved picture, a treasured fantasy. You heart will lead you in the direction that you would like to explore. Don't worry about what it is that draws you. You are *never* the first person to have been interested in a particular kink. Over time you will want to explore new things. Some things which originally appealed to you may not hold a fascination for you in the future. A good Dominant will be open and accepting; she will not tell you that you're "sick." She also will keep your correspondence private.

Let a Dominant know what you can do for them. Dominant women are not a public utility. You want them to spend their time and effort on you. What can you do for them in return? Your letter should be very clear about the sorts of things that you can do for them. Are you good dinner company? Do you do carpentry? Can you baby-sit her cat? Are you the world's best boot polisher? Are you a leather fetishist who would love to Lexol all her toys? The possibilities are endless. Pick a few things that you're good at *and* that you are willing to do, and put that in your letter. Be sure that you are really willing to it. I have a friend who says, "They always say 'Oh Mistress, I'll do anything for you' until I tell them to clean the catbox."

And lastly, have some discretion. If you pledge your eternal slavery to someone that you have never met, or even chatted with on-line, how would you expect her to react? Let her know why it is that you are writing to *her*: you heard good things about her, you liked her registry, you were impressed with a post she wrote, you saw her at an event and have dreamed of her ever since. Don't try the shotgun approach - writing to every Dominant female in the Western world. Many of the Mistress on-line are friends, and someone who petitions everything that moves will soon get a bad reputation. Don't waste your time, and the Dominant's, by writing to someone who isn't into what you are. If she's not into spanking and it's your number one turn-on, then neither of you will get what you want out of the relationship. Also, be clear about your expectations of sex. If you want your scenes to include orgasm, or you're looking to give sexual service, say so. The same holds true if you are not willing to give sexual service, or are not expecting it. Be as honest as you can be. If you have a wife or girlfriend and need to keep your activities private, that's important for your potential Mistress to know.

Lastly, take your "No, thank you's" gracefully. There are a lot of reasons why a Dominant might decline your offer. Remember that she might be looking for someone in the future, or may know another Dominant who is looking for someone, and you would like to be that someone. If you're feeling brave you might politely ask why she said no, so you can write even better petitions in the future. Keep trying, and refining your skills every time you do try. Eventually, you *will* succeed!

Very truly yours, Ms. Margo