A True Story About Accepting Collars Too Soon

Although I think myself a highly intelligent and reasonably wise submissive, I find that there is a mistake I make repeatedly, and it may be that others do so as well, so that it would be well to warn of it: accepting a collar far too readily. By this I mean the acceptance into a more-or-less fixed relationship of sub to a Dom/me, with or without a symbolic collaring ceremony. (There are also contexts involving collars on-line that do not imply anything beyond the current scene; I don't mean those, however, only contexts with implications of an important relationship.)

my problem is that I am just too enamored of the idea of accepting a collar (especially the symbolism of this particular mode of indicating "ownership"). I find the idea so intoxicating, that I am loathe to turn down an offer, trusting (unwisely, all too often) that the Dom/me must know what He/She is doing, otherwise the offer would not have been made. This, of course, is pure foolishness on my part, and it ought to be part of the responsibility I owe to myself to make sure that I accept relationships only with appropriate people, those whom I can respect as people and who can respect me as such and with whom I can make a workable Dom/sub relationship.

Mistakes I have made:
I have accepted a relationship, under my usual femme name on line (stacey_), without explaining my transgendered status first. (Sometimes this has worked out well, anyway, but not always, and I ought not expect it to.)

I have accepted a relationship without first engaging in anything more than an almost routine listing of my interests.

I have accepted a relationship without first determining if the Dom/me actually has any intention of taking my interests into account.

I have continued with relationships, in which the Dom/me does not take account of my interests, without communicating this to the Dom/me.

The problem in all this is that I let the *idea* of being submissive to the Dom/me so overpower me that I am reluctant to do that which I ought to: Speak as an equal to the Dom/me, negotiating or at least exploring the limits of what is to be expected in the relationship. Even stepping out of character in order to say, "You know, if it makes any difference to You, I should tell You that I have male anatomy; but I wish to be accepted as a feminine person," has sometimes been difficult for me to do--not so much because I wish to be accepted as a female submissive, but because I don't wish to step outside of sub-space at all.

Now, this is not, perhaps, all too serious, as on-line relationships tend to be easy-come, easy-go. Still, it is troublesome to me when I find myself in an unsatisfactory relationship but am reluctant to break it off; and it is frustrating to a Dom/me to find I am not, after all, the sub He or She has been looking for, when that might have been established early on, had I had the gumption to be more forthcoming.

So I move for Your consideration the inclusion of a tip for on-line subs: Before accepting a collar, *step out of sub-space* and *talk* with your would-be Dom/me.

And the corollary for on-line Dom/mes: Don't be too hasty to collect a new sub; make sure the sub understands what is to be expected, what sorts of things are to be done, and that this is in accord with the sub's desires. Be aware that a sub may be too much enamored of being a sub to be forthcoming; it may be necessary to be plain-spoken and not speak in a Dommish manner, in order to get straight answers.

I thank You for whatever consideration You think this is worth.


I want to thank stacey for being willing to share that with us. It's not easy to admit a mistake, especially mistakes in relationships. And for those of you who are saying, "Oh, yeah, well, that was cyber..." let me make clear to you that I've had subs offer to submit in real life the night they meet me. It's NOT just cyber. And there are loonies out there that don't have your best interests at heart.

We all know what it's like to be lonely, but please, DON'T just throw yourself away on the first available relationship.

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