2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS:
Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to
as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns
out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch." (For definition of
"real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most
bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of
"psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP:
Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use
the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first
thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out." (This
neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30)
days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by
third parties as "an item." Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the
first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or
"lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a
couple." Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the
little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady"
acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however,
if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party
may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once
again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY:
For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's
whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands
or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or
"holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45)
days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the
"wounded party" agrees to "give up."
5. DATING ETIQUETTE:
For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate
of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made
at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the
middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to
strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during
the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous
home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT:
It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside -- "he" will pick up the tab
at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: "He" considers her
suitably impressed, "he" is broke, or "he" says, "this is
ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the
bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS:
(occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil):
Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four
nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their
respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the
lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to "pick up after himself"
while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and
assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to
keep his apartment "a mess."
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD:
For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless
in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we
start a family?" and using archaic terminology like "Let's get married."
9. THE "L" WORD:
For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love
you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair
of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result
in the other party using the "G" word..."Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION:
Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of
said relationship: Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the same thing";
Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member should seek "help";
Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH:
At the time of breakup, each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by
using one or all fo the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better";
"Nobody could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really
appreciate me"; "My analyst think you are..." (appropriate
psychosis/neurosis goes here)
Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appear to be
"on the rocks." Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice
before terminating said relationship. At the termination of said affair, both parties
agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door
keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediaries. Each
party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of
the other's friends. Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period
of at least seven days (bedroom performace included), and further consent to use one of
the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup: "The timing wasn't
right." "He/she wanted more than I could give." "He/she was too
involved in his/her career." "He/she decided to go back to his/her
After the initial breakup-no matter what-both parties agree to give the relationship
"one more shot."