Domina's D/s Humor Page
Consensual Pussy Torture
by Jeff Swanson (see his website,
by Jeff Swanson
All forms of torture should be consentual; to that end, I submit for your consideration this contract, specifically oriented towards pussy torture.
STANDARD FELINE/HUMAN CONTRACT (House)
I, [name of Cat(s)], being of diminutive brain and mental capacity, agree to waive my right to personal representation, and allow my owner (hereinafter referred to as MASTER) the sole power of attorney over my affairs, and grant him the express right to make this contract with himself on my behalf.
1. CLAWS CLAUSE
a. I hereby agree to refrain from deploying or wielding my claws unnecessarily, unless in pursuit of small game or prey, and/or during such play, initiated by myself or by MASTER, as might cause me to get so carried away with excitement that I just forget.
b. I agree to refrain from deploying or wielding my claws on furniture, >fabrics, carpeting, and other such surfaces within the house as might be damaged by use of said claws, and agree to restrict scratching and any and all other use and/or deployment of claws to proper scratching receptacles and implements, as defined below: i.e. Scratching Posts
c. In the event that I draw blood from MASTER, I hereby agree to retire forthwith and with all due haste under the nearest bed and wait there until MASTER has cooled down a little.
2. FOOD CLAUSE
a. I agree to eat whatever food I am given, and to refrain from attempting to bury such food in the same manner as I bury my excreta (see Section 4 below).
b. I agree to patiently await feeding time in the case that my bowl is empty. i.e. When fed after any short period of bowl emptiness, I agree to refrain from promptly regurgitating my hastily eaten food onto the carpet, bathroom floor, hamper, or any other place where I might happen to be when the need to regurgitate may arise.
c. I agree to refrain from eating cigarette wrappers, CD plastic, the safety wrapper from the mustard, and any and all other forms of plastic or cellophane, rubber bands, balloons, and any and all other manmade items as I, in my limited mental abilities, may mistake for food. I also agree to refrain from licking plastic trash bags, Barnes and Noble shopping bags, or any other large plastic open-ended flexible container, or bubble wrap or tape or any other form of plastic, adhesive backed or non-adhesive backed, even though for some weird reason I find them irresistible.
3. VOCALIZATIONS CLAUSE
a. I agree to limit my vocalizations to such accepted noises as shown below. In the event that vocalizations are inappropriate, or may cause MASTER to fly into a murderous rage when MASTER is seeking a state of absolute quiet, I shall be allowed two (2) extra vocalizations before I concede the point to MASTER and thereupon cease any and all subsequent vocalizations.
e.g. ACCEPTABLE VOCALIZATIONS
b. I also agree to limit my vocalizations to no more than 1.5 seconds in length, and no more than approximately 30 decibels. I also further agree to maintain at least 2 seconds between vocalizations. At no time shall I engage in "carpet", "pattern" or "saturation" meowing.
|b. For ten or so minutes after the danger has passed and I
emerge, I hereby agree to walk hunched down close to the ground and leap straight up at
any sudden noise, normal or otherwise.
7. FUNNY TRICKS CLAUSE
a. I hereby agree to sit patiently while master pulls the corners of my eyes up and says in a faux oriental voice, "You think your Kung Fu is good? My Kung Fu is BETTAH!"
b. I also hereby agree to skedaddle out of the way whenever MASTER yells, "UHOH! MAN WITH A NERVE DISEASE!" and begins flailing his limbs spastically and chasing me noisily around the house.
c. For and in consideration of the above, I shall accept no less than two (2) kitty treats on a regular basis, as full and complete compensation for such indignities.
8. UNEXPLAINED BEHAVIOR CLAUSE
a. I hereby agree to come out from wherever I happen to be sleeping at the time and gravitate in a daze toward MASTER if MASTER happens to begin playing the harmonica. If my sibling cat is in the area, I further agree to attempt to bite my sibling cat about the face and neck, or, if my sibling cat is not available, to bite MASTER'S closest available extremity or that of any of MASTER'S friends.
b. I also hereby agree to bolt upright out of a sound sleep, rush into the bathroom, and eat a little food, whenever MASTER arises from his chair at the computer to go to the toilet.
c. I also hereby agree, at a time and place of my own choosing, to stand near a wall or mirror, gaze upward, and meow continuously, unless such activity conflicts with the tenets set forth in Section 3 hereinabove.
I, [name of Cat(s)], hereby freely and without reservation allow MASTER to make and establish these codicils and parameters of behavior on my behalf, and agree to be bound by these codicils and parameters of behavior as set forth in the contract hereinabove, until such time as I feel like manifesting some new odd behavior, and in consideration of the foregoing, Witness my paw below:
Name of Pussy(s): ______________________
Name of MASTER or MISTRESS: ____________________