Domina's D/s Humor Page

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Memo From the Dom Council

(author unknown--if you know, please tell me)

It has been brought to Dom Council management's attention that some individuals through out the community have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their Doms and sub sisters, prior to and during scenes, and in some cases during after care.

Due to complaints received from some Doms and subs who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your  feelings when communicating with other lifestylers, therefore, a list of  preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our  more sensitive Doms and submissives.

Perhaps I can work on this later Sir. * When the fuck do you expect me to  do this?
I'm certain that is not feasible, Sir * No fucking way, Dick Head!
Really Sir? * You've got to be shitting me
Sir, perhaps you should check with ... * Tell someone who gives a rat's ass.
Of course I'm concerned, Sir. * Ask me if I give a shit
I wasn't involved in that scene, Sir * Its not my fucking problem bozo
That's interesting behavior, Sir * What the fuck?!?!
I'm not sure I can get this this toy to fit, Sir. * Fuck it, it won't work
I'll try to find room in the toy bag, Sir. * Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
Are you sure this is a problem, Sir? * Who the fuck cares?
Her Dom is not familiar with the problem * He's got his head up his ass
Excuse me Sir, do you sure you really want me to do/try that? * Eat shit and die motherfucker
It seems you weren't happy with my performance, Sir? * Kiss my ass
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment * Fuck it, get your other subbie to go get it for you.
I don't think you understand, Sir, I'd rather not try one this   large. * Try shoving it up your ass, you big dumb jerk!
I love a challenge * This job sucks
You want me to take care of that, Mistress? * Who the hell died and made you lead Subbie?
I see * Blow me Sir
I think your brother Dom is somewhat insensitive * He's a fucking prick
Mistress is an aggressive go getter * She's a ball busting bitch
I think you and I both could use more training, Sir. * Geese, dumb ass, you don't have a fucking clue do you?

27 Submissive Postures
(as demonstrated by and Older Submissive)

(again, author unknown)

(Not intended to offend, just intended to provide a [very] tiny dose of humor for Mr. Alejandro

1. Standing, hands behind neck, feet apart, knees bent so the blood suppply is not cut off and the sub faints like a kid in front of me once did in formation in my army days.

2. Kneeling, same as #1, but ask for a pillow because these 44 year old knees just ain't what they used to be

3. Kneeling, bottom on calves, milky white thighs spread, graceful hands palm up on those milky white thighs, (oh yeah, bells jingle while maneuvering into this position), long hair flows down back, pert (in my dreams) breasts uh...being perky.

4. On hands and knees, doin' the doggy-style thing...oh yeah, milky white thighs still parted.

5. Same as #4 except placed over a low piece of furniture, head dangling over one edge, blood rushing to it...and she has to sneeze.

6. Same as #5 except on back, head still dangling, neck muscles tensed because when the head just dangles in this position, the nose gets stuffed up. Milky white thighs still parted.

7. Spread out over his knee, legs parted, awaiting the first strike of palm to bottom (okay, wouldn't even think to mess with this one *smile*)

8. Standing, hands behind back in the parade rest position (sorry, it's all that army training *grin*), breasts thrust forward, legs spread shoulder-width apart, lips parted, eyes moist, knees slightly bent (it's that fainting thing again), muscles in arms starting to remind that she is still 44 years old, regardless of what she believes she is.

9. Kneeling, bottom on calves, hands grasping ankles, feeling body listing slightly to the right, trying to compensate, overdo it, falling on left side, but! never letting go of ankles. Very attractive once you get past the laughter.

10. Kneeling then laying prone (well, while kneeling) so that the head is touching the floor and arms are stretched out before her. Praying that he doesn't step on her fingers while he walks around and recognizing that if her tummy were much rounder she'd be lucky if her fingertips found the carpet.

11. Hands and feet on floor, body arched in a backbend, which is held for a grand total of 8 seconds (Hey! That's long enough for a rodeo rider to win!). Submissives age 30-40 can be expected to last 12 seconds.

12. Kneeling, bent over at the waist, hands behind the back, legs spread (more for balance than exposure) and the challenge of not pitching forward flat on her face.