Domina's D/s Humor Page

snakebar.gif (2636 bytes)

Diary of a Cat

(author unknown)

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.  Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat
I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was  placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is
assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

snakebar.gif (2636 bytes)

Cats are Computers

(author unknown)

Cats are computers?

All this time I thought that "PC" stood for  Personal Computer. How wrong    I  was!

Standard input:
1) bilateral frontal whisker array
2) bilateral  adjustable audio dishes (range 20-20,000Hz),
3) stereoscopic  scanning device, with  night vision
4) Velcro(tm) flavor sampling  device/energy collector
5) twin  front-mounted odor sampling devices.

Standard output:
1) internally mounted purrbox
2) single speaker with separate growl mode
3) rear-mounted,  fully-jointed semaphore device.

1) parallel neuron array with Random  Access Memory
2) autonomic control of system software.

Included Hardware:
1) calcium-based skeletal structure
2) byte-to-bit conversion array
3) retractable document shredder/hole punch
4) pawpad  printer
5) mouse (standard catnip).

Also included:
natural fiber protective covering  in various colors

Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:

DOS (domestic shorthair)
OS (other shorthair)
MS (megasoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)

Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is  recommended   to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones.

Bundled Software may include the following:
Mortal Kombat,
and Stuffit Expander.

Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed.

There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

To start up your PC, push the power button (on  any electric can opener).

Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep.
Your PC will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of  time, or you may invoke the Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your PC from Sleep you may press the power button as in Start,  shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a Warm Boot: Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with  your   toes.

To perform a Cold Boot: Same technique as for Warm Boot, but leave your shoe on.

To Reboot: Repeat the Warm Boot.

Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water,  no solvents. Surface  wash   only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is  necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC is
fully dry when finished.

Compatability and Networking: Your PC is  designed to independently  assess   compatibility with other PCs.

Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with other  PCs. It may be necessary to install a firewall  between incompatible PCs  as each may attempt to breach the other's security systems.

Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may  network for gaming purposes.

Please note that your PC will be incompatible  with units of type BIRD and   FISH, unless appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are   installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG  units provided they   occupy
a subordinate position within the hierarchial  structure.

Power Requirements: Alternating supply of canned  cat food and dry cat  food.
Direct supply of water. Direct access to solar and thermal energy  sources.


PC has difficulty exiting ... perform a Warm  Boot.

PC shares files from dinner/table/plates without  permission: Boot your  PC prior to running food-related software.

PC Hangs Up Phone During Connection to ISP: Try  invoking sleep mode  prior to connecting to ISP. Otherwise, perform a Warm  Boot.

PC Is Frozen: PC is probably scanning for small  life forms. Reboot  until   it  responds.

Deleted Material Not Going to Trash or Recycling Bin: reprogram  preferences  in PC sys/litterbox/deposit/target.aim


button02.gif (17873 bytes)