Domina's D/s Humor Page

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When Sex Doesn't Count


(author unknown--Please let me know if you are aware who's work this is.)

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted.   This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1.  Oral Sex does not count.

2.  If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count

3.  If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count

   4.  If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

   5.  Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

   6.  If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for  this", doesn't count

   7.  An old flame, doesn't count

   8.  An ex-spouse, doesn't count ,refer to this as a "pity fuck"

   9.  Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex

   10.  Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

   11.  2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex

   12.  kissing body parts is not cheating

   13.  an act to make a married person feel good about themselves,  not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other

   14.  an act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

   15.  an act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family  closet"

   16.  acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was public right?)

   17.  phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

   18.  in car, doesn't count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back torule #1

   19.  an act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

   20.  an act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

   21.  an act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate)

   22.  an act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

   23.  an act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

   24.  an act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count

   25.  an act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count,  this should be considered "getting aquainted".

   26. an act with a US President , doen't count, unless the Senate  votes impeachment.

   27. an act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

      SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

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If Men Could Menstruate

What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women
 could not?

 The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable,
 boast-worthy, masculine event.
 Men would brag about how long and how much.     Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood,  with religious ritual and stag parties.    Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out  monthly discomforts.   Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free.  (Of course, some
 men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John  Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields -  "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)

 Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would  cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in  the army ("you have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office
 ("can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the  planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her  blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("without the monthly loss of impurities,  women remain unclean").

 Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist  that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their  ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month
 ("you MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of  menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of  Enlightenment.

 Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a  buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by high-fiving and saying, "Yeah, man,  I'm on the rag!"

 TV shows would treat the subject at length.   ("Happy Days":  Richie and  Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has  missed two periods in a row.)  So would newspapers.  (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN.  JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.)
 And movies.  (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers!")  Men would try to convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at  "that time of the month."  Lesbians would be said to fear blood and  therefore life itself-though probably only because they needed a good  menstruating man.

 Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical  arguments.  How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense  of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that
 in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets-and thus  for measuring anything at all?  In the rarefied fields of philosophy and  religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe?
 Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

 Liberal males in every field would be kind to women:  the fact that  "these people" have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe,  the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough.
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