A Heavenly/Divine Customer Service Survey
Dear Customer:
Your deity thanks you most sincerely for your belief
and patronage. In order to better serve your
needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following
questions:
1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Koran
__ Television
__ Bhagavad Gita
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Cindy Crawford
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire? (Check one only)
__ Allah
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus and/or Christ
__ Rama or Krishna
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Cindy Crawford
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ None of the above, since I was taken in by a false
god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts
in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing
attributes?
(Check one only)
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here. (Check all that apply)
__ Not eternal
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all
things to all creations)
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the
entire cosmos
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes some mistakes
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good
people
__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad
people
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth
__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
__ Does not supply Cindy Crawford
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
acquire a deity? (Check all that apply)
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Needed focus in whom to love
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Wanted to please parents
__ Needed a day away from school or work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Cindy Crawford's tits
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry
Falwell
__ Huge meteors were falling out of the sky
__ My bushes caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? (Check one
only)
__ Yes
__ No
If yes, which false god were you fooled by? (Check all
that apply)
__ The Love of Money
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Amon Ra
__ Bill Gates
__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ Christie Brinkley
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Force
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Cindy Crawford
__ Cindy Crawford's tits
__ The love of Cindy Crawford's tits
__ Elvis
__ A burning bush
__ Psychiatry
__ The Source
__ The Shopping Channel
6. Are you currently using any other source of
inspiration in addition to God? (Check all that apply)
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Cindy Crawford's tits
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
__ Alcohol
__ Marijuana
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ Amway
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals
__ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning shrubbery
__ The Shopping Channel
7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine
Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind
faith. Which would you prefer? (Check one only)
__ More Divine Intervention
__ Less Divine Intervention
__ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The Shopping Channel
__ Don't know.
__ What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced
level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 your
opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 =
excellent):
a. Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War & holocausts
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 The lack of Cindy Crawford
b. Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over tiny towns &
previously unknown hamlets
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 Coincidence of any sort
1 2 3 4 5 Getting any sex whatsoever
1 2 3 4 5 Getting Cindy Crawford
9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the
names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected
reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform
intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of
listed offerings?
__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for
the benefit of my own
mortal soul
__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious
fanatics clamoring for my
money.
__ Just send Cindy Crawford.
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
for improving the quality of God's services? (Please attach additional
sheets if necessary.)
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